


Reflections

by Falathren



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Friendship, Horizon (Mass Effect), M/M, Post-Horizon (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 10:26:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1979355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falathren/pseuds/Falathren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After leaving Horizon and a screwed up mission behind, Shepard feels restless and wanders around the ship. He starts questioning his feelings for Kaidan and wonders where they stand. He doesn’t know that Kaidan does just the same. But their only chance to talk is when Shepard is already spending his time in Alliance custody.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reflections

**Author's Note:**

> I started off with something completely different in mind. Then it developed a life of its own and suddenly I had written this story. At first I was suspicious. But thanks to the encouraging words of my fantastic Beta [Agrivex](http://archiveofourown.org/users/agrivex) and my wonderful artist [Morgie](http://morgiemalt.tumblr.com) I’m now really happy with it. Thanks to both of you for your fantastic work. And thanks to the lovely organizers of the MEBB for creating such a unique fan event.

****

 

**~~~Part 1~~~**

_A ghost._

Shepard stood alone in the helm of the Normandy, slightly confused. He had expected Joker to be here. He was supposed to be here, even spent his nights in the helm. Shepard would have laughed if he had been in better shape. But right now he wanted nothing more than to distract himself with some silly banter from his pilot.

Shepard almost felt offended.

His gaze wandered around the empty front of the ship. EDI’s bright holographic ball was glowing, but she hadn’t said anything to him so far. All in all, the ship was far too quiet. The night shift was on, but even then the Normandy was usually pulsing with life. Now everyone was more or less glued to their screens, keeping to him or herself.

Horizon had made an impression on everyone.

Arriving just a few minutes too late and watching almost a whole colony be abducted had shaken up the whole crew. Surprisingly, no one had reported sick or asked for a break. But as if by an unspoken agreement, the ship had fallen quiet.

And Shepard?

He hadn’t spoken to anyone either.

On their way back to the ship, he had cut off Garrus. Shepard didn’t know if the turian had wanted to comfort him or comment on the events. It didn’t matter. Shepard hadn’t wanted to hear anything. Mordin had kept quiet. Luckily. He had been too absorbed in his own thoughts, possibly evaluating the scientific success of his research.

After their arrival on the Normandy Shepard had stomped back to his cabin, not even sparing the time to take off his armor. When he had bumped into Miranda on his way up, he had shot her a warning glare and pushed the button on the elevator with a dramatic move of his hand.

But all alone in his cabin, he had suddenly felt stupid. It wasn’t usually his way to disappear after a mission, no matter how it had gone down. He should have looked after his crew.

Yet he hadn’t been able to move away from his desk. After long minutes of staring at the wall, he had finally changed into comfy clothes and picked up his most recent project again.

And now he was standing alone in the helm with a small model of the old Mako under his arm. He felt like a fool.

Carefully he dropped the car to the ground and thought about what to do next. Retreating to his cabin seemed like the most logical choice. The fun of his spontaneously coming here was long gone.

His gaze lingered at the empty helm in front of him and he couldn’t bring himself to turn around. After a few seconds he made sense of what he was truly looking at. It wasn’t the stars he was watching through the windows. Nor was his attention focused on the flashing console in front of the abandoned pilot’s seat.

Shepard was looking at the empty seat to the right.

Kaidan had been sitting there during Shepard’s first mission on the Normandy.

 _No, not there. On the old Normandy, before she was destroyed. Kaidan has never sat in that chair._ Shepard repeated the reminder to himself as he continued to stare in the direction.

It was silly to think about it now.

But what had happened on Horizon had stirred something in him. Feelings he thought he had long put to rest. And just by looking at this stupid, vacant seat Shepard felt suddenly dizzy.

Kaidan. How could he make Kaidan understand?

Was the other man right? Was Shepard even real? Or was he in truth just a puppet for Cerberus? Was he still the same person who had been standing behind Joker and Kaidan when they had made their approach to Eden Prime?

He moved forward a few steps towards the empty chair, stopping only when he was close enough to touch it with his outstretched hand.

Kaidan had looked at him with hard eyes. Shepard remembered his gaze in every detail. It was the look of someone who had been hurt deeply and was struggling to keep the pain at bay. Of someone who was desperately trying to cling to reason, and reason seemed to have told him that the real Shepard was dead.

It slowly dawned upon Shepard what Kaidan had been going through when they had faced each other.

Shepard lowered himself into the chair under his hand. Sitting there he stared out of the window above him and looked into the pitch-black void occupied by distant stars. He started to feel uneasy. A deep breath later he was suddenly close to panicking. But he forced himself to look out there, reminding himself that he was safe onboard a fully functioning ship. There was no apparent danger.

He thought he heard someone move behind him. It could have been Joker.

A part of him didn’t want to be seen in this situation. He felt like a thief, sitting in this place. But was he stealing anything from anyone?

He heard heavy steps moving away from the bridge again and hesighed, thankful that he was granted a few more minutes to himself.

~~

Seeing Shepard slouching in the usually empty co-pilot chair startled Joker almost as much as the little model Mako parked prominently in the middle of the floor. For Joker, this toy car provided a real obstacle.

Not that having his commanding officer running around with electronic toys was anything new. Shepard was a full-blood engineer who could spirit a fully functioning moon rocket out of two tins and a string. In its own way, this was adorable. He just had to leave out the fact that the same man had shot more geth single-handily than a whole turian platoon.

But right now it didn’t look like Shepard was in the mood to show Joker his new toy. The pilot studied the figure in front of him for a few seconds in silence. Shepard was half-hidden by the high chair, and Joker couldn’t make out his face.

What he could see, however, was that Shepard had tensed upon his approach and seemed well aware that someone was standing behind him. Yet he didn’t turn.

Joker sighed and thought about what to do next. Having just made his way back to the bridge, he didn’t want to take another exhausting stroll around the ship until Shepard had sorted out his moods.

Well, ‘moods’ was an exaggeration. Truth was that Joker had never seen Shepard in such a bad shape before. He was either in a good, gentle, or goofy mood. Other than that, he kept to himself, very much like Joker used to do.

It dawned upon him what might have shaken the Commander so badly, and suddenly another stroll around the ship, maybe down to Engineering, didn’t seem like such a bad idea anymore. Joker wanted to stay out of emotional stuff as much as possible.

He turned and slowly walked away. When he heard a rustling behind him he looked over his shoulder, only to see Shepard sink deeper into the seat.

Joker shook his head and moved away. They were on their way to the Citadel, and EDI had the helm. The route was easy and trouble was not expected, but it still felt odd to give that annoying AI control over his ship.

But today everything seemed a little weird. Joker was giving an AI control over his ship longer than he originally intended, the whole crew was silently keeping to themselves, and Shepard was crouched in the co-pilot’s chair like a lovesick teenager.

Great, now Joker was feeling bad. Bad in a guilty sort of way.

He shouldn’t get involved. He kept telling himself that as he made his way to the Mess and back again.

~~

Somehow Shepard had fallen asleep. He hadn’t intended to do so, but he had been overwhelmed by weariness and couldn’t resist falling into a light doze. A clatter accompanied by a soft curse woke him. For a few seconds, he couldn’t remember how he had ended up on the bridge. He sat up in alarm.

When he saw Joker balancing a tray with two cups over his Mako model, he was even more confused.

“What is going on?” Shepard asked.

“Could ask you the same,” Joker replied as he shot an annoyed glance at Shepard. “Now, smartass, how about a little help here?”

Shepard blinked until his brain had made sense of the scene before him. Then he sprang up hastily and took the tray from Joker. The cups on top of it were already half empty and basically swimming in their spilled content. The napkins Joker carried were also soaked.

A smile played across Shepard’s face and he retreated with the tray in hand to the chair he had just left to make room for Joker.

“That’s unusual of you,” Shepard said, after Joker had taken his seat.

“Yeah, not really. Leaving a coffee trail from the Mess to the Bridge is actually my usual MO. I even had Miranda barking at me about it a few days ago. But hell, I just want to make sure no one gets lost in case they want to talk to me.” Joker adjusted his cap, a gesture that seemed to be out of pure reflex.

Shepard chuckled silently. He handed one of the cups to Joker. Coffee was dripping down from it, but Joker didn’t seem to mind. And neither did Shepard as he took his cup and then parked the little swimming pool of a tray on the ground.

“Thanks for this,” he said quietly after taking a few sips of the surprisingly still hot fluid.

“Yeah, I’m such a good caretaker, aren’t I?” Joker leaned back in his chair and massaged his legs with his free hand. It made Shepard wonder if his pilot was usually in pain after walking around. Was it bad?

The worry about him flared up in Shepard, but he didn’t want to inquire about it either. He lifted his cup to his lips once more to distract himself from these thoughts. He wouldn’t get an answer from Joker anyway.

“So, what brings you up here? Found your bed not comfy enough?” Joker said lightly. Shepard shot him a look. “Or you’re just missing my company? That’s really cute, you know.”

Shepard shook his head and sank deeper into the chair. There wasn’t any explanation he could offer to Joker. Or at least not one that didn’t make him look like the bloody idiot he probably was.

After a few seconds of silence, Shepard looked up and found Joker staring at him with an uncomfortably intense glare. It made him want to jump up and flee the bridge.

“Really, though.” Joker held up a hand to calm Shepard’s unease. “What’s this about?”

The latter looked away, unable to face his pilot anymore.

 _No, friend. We’re friends, right?_ Shepard corrected himself. That thought made it, ironically, even harder to look up again. Joker knew him. He would probably figure it out, or had already. And then?

Shepard wasn’t ready to talk about it.

He heard Joker sigh. “Hey, if you need anything, I think now’s a good time. I was wondering how you were holding it together through the last weeks anyway. “

Shepard still didn’t look up. He didn’t want to admit his weakness, didn’t want Joker to know how fragile he truly was.

“Kaidan?” Joker asked softly.

Shepard winced, providing Joker with enough evidence that his guess was correct.

“See, this whole mission was bad. And a setup by the illusive ass, if you ask me. But that alone wouldn’t send you here like a beaten dog.” There was a pause as Joker seemed to sort his thoughts. Shepard raised his head and stole a look at the other man. He had his hands up in the air, struggling for words, but not coming up with anything useful.

“I wasn’t prepared to meet him like… like this.” Shepard’s voice was only a whisper. Joker would probably not understand. Shepard had never let anyone, not even himself sometimes, know how important Kaidan was to him, and he wasn’t even sure if he should be talking to Joker, of all people, about this.

“Yeah, that was shit,” Joker replied with a dry voice.

Shepard looked down into his coffee mug. The material felt lightly warm in his hands, although the liquid itself was most likely cold by now. He took a sip from it and eyed Joker carefully during the process. The other man’s expression was stern, his brow slightly furrowed, and all humor seemed to have left his eyes. It was the first time Shepard had seen him this earnest.

“But did you honestly think that he could or would join us?” Joker asked, and Shepard chuckled quietly.

“No, not really, I guess…” Shepard wanted to say more, but the words caught in his throat. He noticed his feelings getting the better of him and decided to stay quiet.

“You wanna set this right?” Joker inquired carefully. This question surprised Shepard even more.

“What do you mean?” Shepard let the mug sink down to his lap.

“I mean, send him a message or, better even, meet him and explain it to him without the Collectors, some dumbass colonists, or half of the Cerberus crew listening.”

Shepard was speechless for a few seconds, his mouth moving without forming words. When he spoke, his voice sounded harsher than he intended. “And how exactly would I do this?”

“EDI could help.”

“What?”

“EDI has been helping me with private messages, and I mean the real private ones, all the time.” Joker smiled a smug smile. “I mean, we’re heading to the Citadel, and after the messed up job on Horizon, I’m pretty sure he’ll have to report there, too.”

Shepard shook his head and turned to look out of the window into the black void again.

A moment passed in silence, and Shepard was sure that Joker had given up and gotten back to his work again. He jumped when he heard Joker’s voice cut through the heavy silence again.

“Then why are you here?”

Shepard snorted and felt anger rising in his stomach. “Last time I checked, I was still in command of this bucket.”

“Ouch, bucket, that was low, Shepard, even by our standards. But seriously now, the mission was bad. The mission was a damn set up, designed by our ominous friend to throw you off-balance. Maybe to give you even more reason to fight for him by throwing your boy-crush into the line of fire. You’re feeling bad, I get that, but only you can set this thing right again.”

“Boy-crush?” Shepard almost jumped from his seat.

“What? I’m right, am I not? Come on, I suffered with both of you for a whole damn year and I spent the last two years trying to get Kaidan back on his feet.”

Shepard wanted to protest, but this last sentence caught him off balance and it stopped him. He had never once asked about Kaidan since he came back. Neither had he talked with Joker about it, nor had he worked up the courage to steal a message through to the man himself. Sure, the missions were hell and kept him on his toes, but he had often wondered about writing him a short message when he was alone in his cabin. More times than he’d liked to admit.

“I can’t risk compromising the mission.” Shepard’s reply was short and harsh. It had its intended effect on Joker, who sighed heavily and turned around to his console.

“Geez, Shepard.” He pushed some buttons and made the screen in front of him flash up brighter. “I’m really no good at this people stuff, but you should maybe take a break.”

“I’m trying to take a break right now, Joker.” Shepard was baffled that he could hear actual concern in Joker’s voice and it made his resolve crumble. “You say that Kaidan was…”

“A freaking mess after you dropped out on us.” Joker tilted his head a little to watch Shepard from his position. “At first we thought he would go completely mental, but then he somehow managed to get a grip. Worst part was that he never blamed me for it, you know.”

Shepard swallowed hard. He hadn’t dared give much thought to the aftermath of his death and he still didn’t want to. He had enough trouble coming to terms with his new life. From time to time his body felt alien to him. It wasn’t only his new scars. His whole skin felt strange and he could still smell the faint scent of something sterile, something medical on himself. It freaked him out.

But thinking about the mission usually kept him from thinking about anything else for too long. Until today.

“It wasn’t your fault, Joker.”

“Yeah, people keep saying that. Kaidan kept saying that. Still doesn’t make me feel better though.” After a short break in which Shepard didn’t know what to say, Joker added with a small smile, “Anyway, this isn’t about me. This is about you.”

Shepard couldn’t answer. The lump in his throat was making it impossible for him to form words. He leaned back in his chair, really thinking over everything from the events on Horizon to this little talk with Joker.

The other man didn’t press him. He busied himself over his screen again and started to run some numbers. Shepard watched him for a bit and looked down at his mug again. Joker was obviously the closest he would ever get to a true friend. And he was a good one. Unconsciously, a smile formed on Shepard’s face.

He thought about sending Kaidan a message again. The worst thing that could happen was an angry reply, right?

But there might be more consequences now that he thought about it. What if the Alliance somehow intercepted the message? It could cause real damage to Kaidan and his integrity. After all, Shepard was now running with an organization that was flagged as a terror cell. Should he put Kaidan at risk only to ease his own mind? Was it even his choice to make?

A small voice in his head was urging him to get it done anyway.

“You said EDI helped you with your messages. How can you be sure they were secured?”

Joker looked up from his panel. There was his smug smile again.

“Well, it is an ‘enhanced’ defense system, probably the best out there. So, it should be able to smuggle out messages without any way of tracing them. Even if you want to send some troll-message directly to the Council, not that I’d ever do a thing like that. The best part is that there is indeed no protocol in its systems that would copy these messages to one of our baby sitters. Seems like the programmers never thought we would have a private life anyway. Or watching us take a piss was more important to them.” Joker shrugged.

Shepard found himself amazed by his pilot once more and his mood lifted. It didn’t solve any of his problems, but at least he had a first idea about how to sort things out between him and Kaidan. Maybe he could let himself be a little selfish about it.

After the mess on Horizon and with Shepard commanding a Cerberus vessel, they would probably never end up as a couple like Shepard had hoped when they had shared their first kiss, mere hours before the Collectors had ripped the old Normandy in half. It was ironic that their lives had been torn apart, just after things had finally started to work out between them.

It was a hard truth and he would need time to get to terms with it, but he wouldn’t accept the fact that Kaidan and he had parted on bad terms either. Maybe he could at least get their mutual respect back and make Kaidan see him as Shepard again, and not as the ghost Kaidan had thought him to be.

A bit more confident he left the co-pilots chair and spoke his honest thanks to Joker. The latter seemed suddenly embarrassed and waved him off.

Chuckling to himself, Shepard took the two empty cups in his hand and made to leave the helm.

“Oh, and Shepard…” Joker’s voice startled him and he turned around. “Kaidan cares a great deal about you, just so… you know…”

“Yeah, I hope something’s still left of that.” Shepard stood still, unsure how far he should go there. “I’m glad you’re here, Joker. It was never your fault.”

~~

_Kaidan,_

_I’m sorry._

_Seeing you was good, knowing that you are alive and well and that you’ve built up your life._

_I should have written to you sooner. Probably right after waking up and I’m sorry I didn’t do it. I guess I was too afraid and while it’s been two years for you, it feels like only a few weeks for me._

_I’m not part of Cerberus, even if they did rebuild me. But at the moment I see no other option than to play along. I want you to know that my loyalties have not changed._

_I miss you, Kaidan. I know it would probably never have worked out between us anyway. We’re both Alliance after all. But I like to think that it could have._

_Please be careful._

Shepard rubbed over his eyes and read the message again. Several hours had passed and he had rewritten the few lines over and over. His own weariness wasn’t making it any better.

With a heavy sigh he fell onto his bed. Looking at the datapad again, he frowned. Then he clicked delete. Shortly after that Shepard was asleep.

**~~~Part 2~~~**

With a heavy beating heart Kaidan made his way through long and cold corridors. Suddenly he wasn’t so sure any more about what he was doing here.

It had only been a few weeks since he had been reassigned and send back to Earth. He had spent the last months on the Citadel, occasionally on a remote colony. Until Shepard had pulled off the impossible. Again.

After the Collectors had been defeated, there was no need for Kaidan to try to secure human colonies. He had been sent to Earth, along with another promotion. Now he was Major Alenko. The highest ranking biotic out there. Funny that he never felt too honored by it.

All this time he had been too preoccupied by Shepard’s return. Most of his thoughts circled around the man when he wasn’t tasked by Anderson with evaluating some reports. Especially now.

Kaidan had refused to watch the mock trial against Shepard and Joker. It was only thanks to Anderson that he hadn’t been forced into it as a witness as well. Kaidan knew that Anderson hadn’t been too happy with him then. He had counted on some sort of statement from Kaidan. But the latter just hadn’t been able to gather enough strength to do it. It might have been stupid and selfish, but Anderson had left it at that and surprisingly not forced Kaidan into the whole mess the trail had proved to be. It had been a hell ride for Anderson. But along with Hackett he had somehow managed to prevent the worst, no thanks to Kaidan.

Still, it wasn’t right. Instead of listening to Shepard, they had locked him away. If they somehow found a way to silence the uncomfortable truth, it would surely disappear after a time. Kaidan wondered how humankind had ever managed to leave Earth in spaceships at all.

But he knew by now that the other species weren’t better off either. After al,l the Council was still denouncing everything Shepard had ever done and said.

At least Anderson and Hackett believed him and were now trying to get the grids moving. A desperate task.

And Kaidan? He believed Shepard. Of course, he did. He had been with him for half of the ride and seen those things with his own eyes. But that was just one part of the story.

He still wasn’t sure if he could believe that Shepard was truly himself. That he wasn’t working with Cerberus anymore. That he was still the same person Kaidan had started to trust so long ago.

He wanted to believe it. Desperately. But after their encounter on Horizon, they hadn’t spoken again. Back then, Kaidan had been too overwhelmed to form a clear sentence, making their encounter on Horizion a bloody mess. Now he thought he had better control over himself. Yet, he had never sent the message that he had prepared shortly after he had left the colony.

When he had first asked Anderson to speak to Shepard, he had been rejected. Kaidan hadn’t argued. A part of him had even been relieved about it. It wasn’t in his responsibility, was it?

But after another week of sleepless nights filled with self-tormenting thoughts, Kaidan knew he had to try to press Anderson again and this time be more persistent about being allowed to talk to Shepard. Anderson had been baffled by his new found resolve. He had tried to inquire about the true nature of their relationship, but since they had never had a true relationship, there was nothing for Anderson to figure out.

He promised to look into it and try to find a way to let Kaidan speak to Shepard.

Two more weeks had passed, leaving Kaidan torn between giving up hope completely and stomping into Anderson’s office one more time. Then one morning his omni-tool had beeped with a message flagged highest priority. He had opened it while sitting in one of the mess halls of the Alliance HQ, sipping lazily on a coffee.

_D-78C_

_Access Code: 785-21-QD-33341_

_Today between 3pm and 5pm. Don’t overstay your time._

Kaidan had nearly spilled his coffee. After reading the message one more time, he had typed a small Thank you and sent it back. He had walked to his room and then he sat there, waiting, until it was time.

Alliance HQ was a maze of hundreds of grey corridors. Kaidan had never been in the detention building and although each floor and corner was marked with different numbers and letters, he got lost twice.

But he continued with a determined step. Anderson hadn’t mentioned if the guards posted around the building were informed, that he had been allowed entrance. So far, Kaidan hadn’t been stopped and he continued, trying to appear as confident as possible.

Finally he found the C-Wing and stopped for a second to take some encouraging deep breaths. Much to his indignation the numbers on the rooms started with 1. It felt like he would have to keep walking for all eternity.

_Come on, don’t think too much now._

He started to jog along the corridor. The numbers on the walls blurred past his vision and he was surprised at he came to be standing before room 78. The door panel blinked red. Kaidan stopped and stared at it.

_Do they really have to lock him in? Bullshit politics._

He brought his omni- tool to life and hesitated for another second. Should he knock first? He almost laughed at the thought. It was ridiculous. The instant he started to enter the code, Shepard would know that someone was at his door.

_Shepard._

He would finally see him again.

Upon entering the last digit, the door panel flashed a few times and Kaidan feared the code might not work after all. Then the color changed to green.

_Okay, this is it._

Kaidan opened the door and stepped through. It closed behind him instantly with a slight hiss, but the panel remained green.

And there stood Shepard. At first he stood straight, shoulders back and hands clasped behind his back. He looked exhausted and so much older than Kaidan remembered. Kaidan noticed how his posture shifted seconds after the door had closed again behind them. Shepard’s shoulders sagged and his arms fell forward when he realized who had entered. His eyes widened in wonder and his mouth formed into a wordless O.

Kaidan smiled at him. It was the most honest and open smile he had shown anyone in the past months, or rather years. And Shepard picked it up. He smiled back at Kaidan and this made it hard for the other man to not run up to him immediately.

They looked at each other and the otherwise silent room was filled with a voiceless, unspoken conversation.

_Hello._

_How are you?_

_I missed you so much._

_How are you really doing?_

_It’s so good to see you._

_Where were you all this_ _time?_

_How can you be here?_

__

**_Art by the wonderful[Morgie](http://morgiemalt.tumblr.com/)_ **

Kaidan swallowed hard, but the lump in his throat wouldn’t move. His hands twitched a little and he made a hesitant first step in Shepard’s direction. The other man did so as well and after two more steps through the small room they stood so close they could have embraced. Closer than people would stand in conversation. Even closer than good friends, when they shared a secret.

Kaidan extended his arm and brought his hand to rest on Shepard’s shoulder. He was unsure if he should go further and looked questioningly at Shepard.

“They are probably monitoring this room.” Shepard’s voice was a hoarse whisper. “You shouldn’t.”

Reluctantly Kaidan let his arm fall and looked down at the greyish tiles. “Sorry.”

“It’s all right. We can sit, I guess.” Shepard took a step backwards. “There’s not much room and I’ve only got one chair, but maybe on the bed?”

Kaidan’s smile returned. Now it was a slightly bitter one.

For the first time, Kaidan looked around the room. When he had entered, he had been too fixed on Shepard. Now he became aware of the bare tiles and small windows. The room was pretty narrow, though not as bad as Kaidan had imagined it. It held a desk in one corner and a bed in the other. The only other things worth mentioning were a door, possibly leading into the bathroom, and the bright neon lights which cast an uncomfortably cold light into the room. It could have been a regular prison cell. Kaidan felt a spark of anger in him as he followed Shepard to the bed.

He sat down next to Shepard, fully aware of how close they were to each other. The bed wouldn’t have offered very much room in the first place. His leg brushed against Shepard’s and this time the other man didn’t resist.

“Anderson promised me better accommodations soon, so don’t worry too much about it,” Shepard commented, obviously having noticed Kaidan surveying the small room. “How did you… how did you get here? I wasn’t even allowed one call to my Mum and suddenly you’re standing here.”

Kaidan swallowed hard. What struck him was that Shepard didn’t sound like himself at all. His voice lacked his usual confidence and although the same man could shout through a battlefield of geth, he wasn’t able to fill the room now.

“I don’t know.” Kaidan admitted, keeping his voice low. “I asked Anderson and today he shot me a message. We have two hours.”

“That’s great.” Shepard’s smile was genuine and he sounded relieved. “How are you doing, Kaidan?”

“Good, I guess.” Kaidan bit his lip. “How are you?”

Shepard didn’t reply at once. He took a ragged breath and laughed silently, while leaning back. “Guess I could be worse. But truth is, it isn’t easy.”

Kaidan nodded and eyed Shepard carefully. No, he honestly didn’t look too well. He was pale and had dark rings under his eyes. Kaidan felt guilty. Had he done anything to help him?

“I know that Anderson and Hackett are working hard on your case. They believe you. It’s just that the brass is almost as blind as the Council.” Kaidan shook his head. “I believe you.” He added after a short break.

“You do?”

Shepard’s words came like a clean slap across the face. Kaidan let his head droop and stayed quiet. A long moment passed in which neither of them spoke until Kaidan felt Shepard’s hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Kaidan. I didn’t mean to…”

“No, you’re right. This is a freaking mess and I own a lot of it.” Kaidan took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for everything I said back on Horizon and even more so that I never tried to set it right.”

The hand on his shoulder curled slightly as Shepard tensed, but didn’t say anything in reply. Kaidan forced himself to smile and turned to look at his former commander. “Look, I’m still not sure about Cerberus and all, but I want you to know that I’m glad, really glad, that you are alive. That you made it back here. I don’t think there’s anything I could say or do to excuse what I said to you. But maybe we can leave it behind us one day. Maybe we can move on somehow and be, you know…” _Friends_ was the word Kaidan should have said, but he couldn’t bring himself to voice it.

Shepard’s eyes seemed to lighten a bit. His gaze was warm on Kaidan and he didn’t move his hand from his shoulder. “Yeah, I’d like that. I’m really happy to see you, Kaidan. Thank you for coming here.”

Kaidan nodded and fought the urge to wrap his arms around Shepard. The latter still seemed hurt and Kaidan wanted desperately to make him feel better.

“There’s not much I can do right now, though,” Shepard continued. “Does anyone other than Anderson know you’re here?”

Kaidan shook his head. “I’m not sure, but I don’t think so.”

“Hope no one notices,” Shepard laughed. “Have you spoken to Joker?”

“Yes, I have actually. He’s good. They’re currently working on the Normandy and they seem to need him. He’s spending a lot of time there and I guess it does him good.”

“That’s good. I was worried about him. They won’t let me talk to him either.”

Kaidan let out an annoyed huff and leaned back, getting a little closer to Shepard, whose arm was now almost wrapped around him.

“It’s not right,” he said.

“Maybe, but there’s nothing we can do to change it. Guess we’ll just have to sit tight and hope for everything to calm down again.” Shepard was chewing on his lower lip, and Kaidan guessed he wanted to say more.

“How much longer until you…?”

Shepard looked at him helplessly and shrugged. “I guess until they’ve forgotten I ever existed and Anderson finds a way to get me out. Could take some time, though, until the brass makes a decision with all those angry batarian up their asses demanding compensation.”

“But the Reapers…”

“Are not a real threat. Only a fantasy of a crazy soldier who was nearly killed in action and blew up the Alpha Relay on his rampage across the galaxy.”

Kaidan bit his lip hard. He wanted to apologize to Shepard again, but could think of nothing to say. What he did instead was extend his hand again, reaching for Shepard’s. He touched it carefully. The skin beneath his touch was smooth and warm. Kaidan squeezed gently and for a moment Shepard seemed to relax, giving into the touch. The hand on his shoulder moved toward Kaidan’s neck and almost up to his cheek. Then it retreated and Shepard sat up straight again.

“We shouldn’t, Kaidan.” His voice was once more only a faint whisper.

Kaidan couldn’t hide his disappointment. He looked away and folded his hands in front of him.

“But it meant something, didn’t it?”

Kaidan was referring to the only kiss he had ever shared with Shepard. The spontaneous and hasty brush of lips, shielded from the view of other crewmembers by the Mako in the Cargo Hold. The one kiss that had developed into something longing and passionate. It had let Kaidan know that his commander was attracted to him, that he truly cared about him. Afterwards they had promised each other to do this again and explore the funny feeling between them. Kaidan had spent his last hours on the Normandy daydreaming about them growing into an actual couple. Never mind the regulations. Never mind the subtle, but still present frowning on homosexuality in the military. He had been so sure that they would have been able to tackle it all. If only the Collector ship hadn’t happened.

“It meant everything to me, Kaidan.”

Shepard seemed to have followed Kaidan’s train of thought with ease.

Kaidan looked up again to face Shepard, who was smiling at him warmly. He could have let himself get lost in that smile if the circumstances had been different. He got Shepard’s warning though. Even though he was here with Anderson’s permission, the room was most likely wired in some way and they couldn’t give anyone another reason to strike against Shepard.

“That’s good. Maybe one day we can…” Kaidan’s voice was heavy against the harsh reality of the sterile prison cell.

“Yeah, I’d want that.”

They both laughed and leant back together, their legs brushing slightly against each other and their hands only inches apart. Even though they weren’t able to get any closer than that, Kaidan felt more connected to Shepard than he ever had, and he contented himself with the warmth of Shepard’s presence. He felt his initial doubts, the ones that had accompanied him all the way through the long hallways, disappear.

They shared a long moment in mutual silence.

Kaidan’s omni-tool buzzed, signalizing that his time with Shepard had been used up. He looked at Shepard and tried his best to not lose the smile he was now carrying on his lips.

“Will you come here again?” Shepard asked him with an audible quiver in his voice.

“I will do my best to get back to you, John.”

Kaidan left without a backward glance. Behind him the panel on the door blinked red again.

He never got another visitor code for Shepard’s cell again. Anderson only shook his head slowly and patted his shoulder. Kaidan knew that it was useless to inquire again.

He worked even harder on the intel Shepard had gathered, trying to fit it all together and convince the galaxy they were wrong.

It never worked out, and four months later the first Reaper beam cut through the skies of Vancouver.


End file.
